Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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