1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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