I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
