you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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