I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
