just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
