Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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