If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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