At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
