I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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