I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
