You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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