ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
