textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
