i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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