Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
