Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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