You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
