Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
