I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
