The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
