I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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