you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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