how can u be prego again
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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