Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
