Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
