disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize