I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize