i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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