I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
