On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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