Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
