Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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