I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
