omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
