just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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