READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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