I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
