You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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