you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
