so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
