Your face is a jimmy john
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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