Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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