I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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