I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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