im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
