Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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