yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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