Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
