remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
