You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can you bring me the toilet please
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
