just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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