I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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