Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
