i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
