I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize