Your dad touched me again.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
