I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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