My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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