my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's always time for handjobs
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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