u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you have to choose: penises or morals?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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