is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
