If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
