I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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