I heard we made out
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
